Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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