Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
