; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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