i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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