at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
