i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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