i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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