You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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