since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
