every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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