ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
