Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
