I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
