hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
