Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
