So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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