I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
