I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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