I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
