So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
