she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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