Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
