I just threw up on my dentist
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
