he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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