i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
