i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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