Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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