I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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