I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
