i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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