I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
