sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
