It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
