I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
