SEEEEXXX PLEASE
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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