I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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