someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
