my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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