I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
