Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
