i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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