This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
