My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
