I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
