I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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