I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
