Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
false alarm, still single
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