Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
