woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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