My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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