I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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