you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
