I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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