If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
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